My Source of Hope

I am happy to report that I am more than halfway through my PhD program. Hooray! I have completed all of my classes, fulfilled my teaching requirements and, as I mentioned in a previous post, I have also passed my Generals Exam. Where does that leave me? Well, according to my department graduate administrator, I just have to do a bunch of research, write my dissertation, and give my final public oral. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy!

...right?

The Struggle

Recently, I have realized that I am someone who does better when she has structure. I don’t know why I was so surprised by this revelation. I have regularly used weekly planners since high school, and I started the practice of sending my advisor a meeting agenda the night before our weekly meetings, a practice that he liked enough to make it a policy for the rest of the lab. So, it really shouldn’t have been such a surprise when I realized that I was struggling with doing my work like normal when I had lost all structure. But I was caught off-guard.

To elaborate, in the past, my other obligations would force me to do work within a specific time frame in spite of lots of responsibilities. For instance, I would only have one week to do a problem set for an fMRI analysis class on top of grading midterm exams, preparing a lesson plan for a precept, and setting up an experimental protocol. It was a lot of work but I got my work done within the allotted time simply because I had no other choice.

Things are different during this new phase of my graduate career. I still have various responsibilities such as applying for fellowships and working on fMRI analyses. However, I don’t have the time pressure I had before about getting X amount of things done within a short amount of time. Now, I can mostly work at my own pace which raises the question: How can I work at a reasonable pace that doesn’t lead to burnout while not leaving me idle?

Looking Deeper

However, if I am honest, I have not only been struggling with a lack of structure but also with a lack of motivation. Since moving to Boston, I have been having difficulty tackling my research with my usual motivation and drive. Part of this stems from a grueling last year. In order to move to Boston with my husband (who just started in a graduate program here), I had to make sure I completed everything I had to physically do at Princeton. This translated to my busiest year yet: I took a demanding fMRI analysis course as well as a Responsible Conduct in Research seminar, taught both semesters, started an fMRI experiment (my first!), and prepared for my Generals Exam, which I took 5 months before the rest of my cohort. Following the busy academic year, my husband and I moved twice in two months, ending up in a new city where we knew almost no one.

I made it through the year, doing well in everything I did through the grace of God, the incredible support of my husband, and the prayers of many family and friends. However, it still left me feeling weary and tired, and this meant that I did not have the motivation to do really hard work when I began to work in the lab here in Boston. To make matters worse, the lack of structure compounded this problem.

A Conviction

Around the time I began to reflect and think about these things in preparation for writing this post, I stumbled across an article by John Piper that struck a chord in me. The article provided advice to young adults about how they could glorify God through their work and it included a list of attributes one ought to pursue. Among the list was this:

Integrity. Be absolutely and meticulously honest and trustworthy on the job. Be on time. Give a full day’s work. “Thou shalt not steal.” More people rob their employers by being slackers than by filching the petty cash.

Although I have never spent time in lab scrolling through Facebook (in part, because I am not on social media) or mindlessly surfing Reddit (like grad students are sometimes tempted to do), I found this excerpt incredibly convicting. Was I giving a full day’s work? To be honest, I was struggling to do that. My lack of motivation led to me doing my work half-heartedly, sluggishly going about my work while counting down the minutes until I could leave the lab without appearing to be a slacker. Without meaning to, I was robbing my advisors. Moreover, I was dishonoring God.

An Assurance

I give thanks to God for the way in which He reminded me of the assurance I find in Him soon after I was convicted by Pastor John’s article. I had a conversation with my mother later in the day where I shared with her my struggles at work and how a lack of motivation was leading me to feel guilty and stressed, which would make me feel less motivated and so forth. I was on the verge of entering a vicious cycle that would have been difficult to break if my mother hadn’t reminded me of a simple truth.

I was not simply working for my advisors. No, I was also working for the Lord. It was God who led me to grad school and who equipped me with the skills I needed to pursue research interests He placed in my heart. After all, like the motto of my husband’s family reminds me: Quid habes quod non accepisti? There is nothing that I have that I have not received as a gift from God, and this should give me the assurance that the Lord will continue to equip me to do the work placed before me for His glory and my benefit.

This does not mean that I can just sit back and know that everything will magically come together. No, I need to follow Paul’s exhortation in Colossians 3:23-24 (ESV):

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

On the outside, working heartily as for the Lord should not look different from working heartily as for men. The work should still be done with excellence and integrity. However, the heart attitude should be different. Working heartily as for the Lord means that I shouldn’t look for my worth in what my advisors think of me and that I shouldn’t rely on my own strength and intelligence to get the job done. It means that I should rely on the Lord to do my work well, instead of burning the candle at both ends to try to achieve my goals (see Psalm 127:1-2).

This is not an easy task, at least it isn’t for me. I naturally want to control everything, and it is difficult to relinquish control to the Lord even if I know that His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. Even though I am a mere human before a sovereign and all-powerful God it is hard to admit that I need Jesus to even do the things I want to accomplish.

But I give thanks to God for His patience with me as He teaches me daily that I can (and should!) go to Him with all of my cares, including those regarding my graduate work. When I am anxious about the outcome of some analyses, God reminds me that He will work all things together for my good (Romans 8:28), even if I end up with null results. When I feel intimidated by more brilliant people around me and feel inadequate to do the work before me, God reminds me to fear not for He is with me and will uphold me with His righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10). When I feel overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do, the Lord reminds me to go to Him with my burden and He will give me rest (Matthew 11:28-30). The list goes on. Praise be to God.

Some Practical Changes

My reflections about my lack of motivation have led me to take steps to make some changes in my life. Some of these changes are things that other people have suggested that I take while others are things that I just started to do (read: the Holy Spirit prompted me to do).

The first change I made was a suggestion from my mother. She reminded me that I should pray for wisdom and strength before I sit down to do my work. This was a practice that I would do in undergraduate and while I was taking a heavy course load my first year of graduate school. Importantly, the purpose of this isn’t to treat Jesus like a genie and expect everything to come out perfectly. No, the exhortation was to invite Jesus into every aspect of my life, including doing research, and allow Him to walk with me through all of that.

A couple of weeks ago I suddenly started the practice of writing down a short summary of the things I did that day along with some reflection on how I was feeling. I read somewhere that grad students benefit from doing this, but I never got around to it until recently. It doesn’t take me very long to write something down and it actually helps me process the triumphs and trials of the day in a healthy manner. Moreover, I am able to look back at previous entries and see how God has helped me time and time again!

My husband also encouraged me to use my planner again. I had stopped using it because I felt like I had no real use for it since I didn’t have to keep track of any homework assignments and I only had a handful of meetings that regularly happened each week. However, my husband prompted me to sit down every morning to plan out my day. This involves writing down 2-3 goals for the day and then actually blocking out time in my daily calendar to accomplish those goals. This practice has helped me immensely by providing me with more structure.

Continuing down the vein of creating structure, I also joined a month writing challenge forum through the National Center for Faculty Development and Diversity (NCFDD). In spite of its name, the NCFDD also provides excellent resources for graduate students, including the writing forum. Participating in this forum has provided me with an avenue through which I can set writing goals and be held accountable to my work. It has provided structure in my day for writing (which normally is what I procrastinate on the most) and is the reason why this post got written!

My Hope

I haven’t figured everything out, and it is unlikely that I ever will. However, I now feel more hope when it comes to doing my work. I am more motivated to do my work because I know that God calls me to do my work with integrity and in a way that is honoring to my advisors. I also know that I am not doing it alone. I have the Lord of all the universe by my side, and I can go to Him for strength and wisdom. The practical changes I started to implement have also been helping me by providing me with structure, with a vision for as to how I want to spend my day. It is all a journey, and some days are easier than others. However, I am not on this journey alone and that is the greatest source of my hope.

Whether or not you are Christian, my hope for you is that you found some truth in these words that can encourage you on your own journey through graduate school.


P.S. Reflecting on all of this reminded me of the song Beauty for Ashes, of which my good friends Katherine and Daniel Hwang recorded a beautiful cover. I highly encourage you to listen to their version of the song (and also all of their other music!).